What I Don’t Know, Don’t Have and Can’t Do

I’m struggling at the moment, and have been for a few months now, with my anxiety levels. I put myself under a lot of pressure, as if there was a law about having made all major life choices before I’m 30. And as if it was the end of everything if I don’t.

I’m bored and stressed/frustrated at the same time at work. And I wish I could find somewhere else to go.

I feel quite lonely most of the time since I do not have a lot of people I’m really close to around me anymore. Everybody has their own lives, of course they do, but it would be good to know that I can be someone’s priority from time to time. And this is not actually about my choices, so stuff as well I can’t change.

I’m trying to figure out all kinds of stuff mostly due to the turning-30 panic. Such as the job, such as where to settle, such as not having to live in a tiny room because I can’t afford a flat (and never will in this city).

I hate it all, and it bores me to death, and I really struggle to find things that make me smile.

I think I could deal with a lot of the unkempt I-just-don’t-know stuff if it wasn’t for the fact that I feel I’m on my own with it. And it’s always been like this, with few exceptions on the way (and the main exception has moved to the other side of the globe), and in case anyone is wondering – no, it does not get easier. I do not get used to it. If I had a choice in the matter, this would not be the way things are. And I try to figure out, constantly, what I could be doing differently for this to change. And I can’t find a solution, and it drives me crazy. 

I have three weeks of holiday to take this summer. And no company.

And I always feel like it’s easy for other people. Why does it work for them but not for me? Why do other people have a group of friends who they hang out with, and I don’t? How does that happen? Is it something about me? Is the world just a fucked up place? What decision I took has led to this? And you won’t be surprised to hear, I can’t figure it out. 

I get along fine with most people. I tend to have quite deep conversations with quite a few people. I share of myself, I go out, I spend time with others, but I end up alone.  

Relationship is more than getting along, or watching a film with a few people or having a good conversation. There’s a choice. And I’m not even talking about romantic relationships, just about friendships. Both friends in that friendship make a choice for each other, a commitment. Only then can there be deeper trust, honesty in being with each other. “I’m not just your friend when it suits me, I’m your friend. Full stop.” That kind of choice.

I think my general sense of things at the moment is disappointment. Feeling defeated.

And it feels like a bit of a slump I’ve landed in here.

And what I need for my life is finding something I can commit to, something that feels more fulfilling and creative and satisfying than where I am now, and what I do now, and how things are. I’m an idealist, I need meaningful work, something to strive for. (And for a lot of people, where I am now is the place where they find all that…)

But I do not know where to go from here, and while I wish for more life in my life, I also have a lot of anxiety about leaving, about being alone even more than I am now, losing more. I feel like I might fall off the face of the earth and no-one would know. 

So this is a bit of a depressing post, apologies if I got you down reading this. I’ll try and pick myself up again. And live with all the things I don’t know and don’t have and wish I had. Mostly, what I need is probably faith that the life I hope for does exist, and that at some point I will find it. Or it will come to me. The fear is that there is something I can do and I just don’t see it. 

But even for that I might need to develop some trust or hope or whatever one might call it. 

I guess what I need is grace.

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