So it is the first Advent Sunday today. I did hang a paper star in the window. I decorated a little tree. And I keep thinking that I don’t feel at all “Christmassy”. I don’t feel at all filled with hope or peace or joy or love.
So maybe, this Advent, I need to ask to be given some of it all…
A friend of mine read me Advent thoughts by Anselm Grün today, and one thing he says in this book is along the lines of “celebrate what you are longing for”. Celebrate the fact that your life is not what you would like it to be, that there is a lack of one thing or another in it – since it is easier to look to God when God is the only fulfilling thing to be seen.
I still don’t see why my love for God should not be compatible with love for a person, or with feeling joyful or at peace… I’v been having this debate with people and with myself and with God for ages. I really don’t think God can only use sadness and difficulty to connect with me. And to be quite honest, there’s been plenty of that. Let me see the other options… Yes. I will avoid pain if I can. I will do what is within my power to reduce pain. I’ve been forced on various occasions to sit with intense pain, mostly emotional, I’ve done that, thanks. I don’t have to go looking for it. And yes, my relationship with God has deepened in that experience. But that’s not saying it can’t do that when I’m well!
I just want to be a bit happier.
And I try to do what is within my power to be happier. And then I get it all wrong sometimes. Or I get lonely, rather often. Or whatever it is. It’s just not what I was hoping for…and I don’t know how to make it more what I would like it to be. What is it that will make me happy? Is it within my power to bring it about? Or at least some of it?
I need God to give me hope.