I had my first meeting with my supervisor today, and let’s just say it wasn’t a rousing success. Apparently I’m not nearly as prepared as I should be, and my proposal – the one that earned me both places I applied for – is not workable…!
It left me wondering if this is really what I want to do. And maybe that was her intention. Just to double-check…
Is this really what I want to do?
Imagining all the money and all the time I plan to spend on this – is this the best thing I can imagine doing with it all? Yes or no?
Am I doing this because it’s a safe compromise of wanting to write and learn and wanting to have a job in the end? Wanting to move on from where I am? Wanting to make sure I’ll not ever have to depend on my family again? What is it? Yes, I love research. But do I love it enough to face it year after year, day after day?
Did I just prove to myself that I could have this if I wanted it – and I can stop there, because that’s all I needed to know?
Am I just looking for something to do, and this is a possibility?
Is this worth three to five years of my time and energy and sanity?
‘Cause now is the time to decide.
Let’s have a yes or no on this one first.
If yes, go ahead and fight for it. And pay whatever the costs, in every way.
If no, we’ll then ask what other dreams those kind of resources could make come true.
(If I do want to go back to uni, why not do that Creative Writing course I’ve always wanted to do…? And if writing is what I want, do I need a degree to do it…?)
And my answer very much has to be my own. Telling everyone I’m not doing this after all would still be better than to spend so much of my resources on something I don’t really want.
But for now, I will get some sleep. The woman scared me off, and I’m not going to make decisions based on fear of failure, fear of feeling as stupid in front of her again as I felt today. If I want it, I want it. If I don’t really, I don’t, and I won’t.
Thank God I’ll have time this week to clear my head on this.
She’s thrown the ‘what if’s wide open again. And I have to choose what to do. Maybe it’s a lucky escape, a chance to change my mind, or the opportunity to fight for something great.
So, is it?
Is it great?