I get very impatient. With life. I want solutions, decisions, knowledge, now.
It doesn’t work that way, I’ve noticed.
But despite that, I’ve also noticed that I have come so far. It’s hard to believe sometimes.
The way things have changed over the last 10 years is incredible. The depth to which things have changed. To which I have changed.
And I didn’t know it was happening while it was happening, a lot of the time.
And it’s been painful, often.
But here I am. Happier and healthier, in mind and spirit, despite all the struggles, and sometimes because of all the struggles.
With every year that goes by I know more that there is one place, one relationship, that is always true, always loving and always reliable. And I’ve come to a point where that is, perhaps, enough.
God said, I will provide – and God delivered on that.
I am astounded by how all of the changes in me, all the choices for good, all of the at times hard decisions towards health, seem to have come through one fundamental transformation that I had very little to do with: the fact that I moved from believing in a far-away God of guilt, fear and shame, to knowing a closer-than-I-am-to-myself God of unconditional love, compassion and peace.
When asked how I would describe God ten years ago, words such as “almighty”, “omnipresent” and “all-powerful” came to mind. I had no concept of being in a personal relationship with God – but it’s that relationship that changed everything. And that was just given to me… Grace.
That’s the God I know.
The God who is about truth and healing and faithfulness, who doesn’t need me to be anyone else than who I really am. That includes my experience, my feelings, my mind, my sexuality, my relationships. That’s me with my courage and cowardice, my fears and my anger, my capability to love and to give. God is all in. God says, “I choose you”. And that’s the end of it. And the beginning.