Not A Joke.

Trigger warning: mention of child abuse

A few words about Trump and the way he treats women. Honestly, I’d rather talk this out with someone, but there isn’t anyone just now. I’ve been needing to talk for quite a few days now, and I had to go home early from work today because I felt the anxiety and dizziness and heart rate rising during a meeting and decided I’d rather not faint at work… 

My anxiety level has been very much UP ever since Tuesday night when it became clear that a racist, misogynist, unqualified and unprepared loudmouth, who likes to insult people with disabilities, Muslims, and anyone else who does not look, believe or think like him, who has basically no sense of morality or even common decency, has been elected US president.

I don’t live in the US, I’m not a citizen of the US, so why does this upset me so much?

Apart from all the hate speech that Trump is such an expert at, and the nightmarish 1930s echoes I hear rattling just around the corner from here, my anxiety has spiked like this because it’s also clear that Trump has sexually assaulted women, and he is due in court for allegations of rape of a 13 year old girl.

And people knew this before they cast their votes. About half the nation turned out to vote. And about half of them considered Trump a suitable person to lead their country. And they won.

And to me, this feels like I’m 14 again, being sexually abused by my father, in a family in which I felt there was no point in telling anyone because apologies were always made for him, no matter the issue, and there were many issues.

I feel scared and powerless all over again. This is pushing all my buttons, a whole load of triggers. And it has cost me so much effort to not be in that place anymore, neither physically nor in my mind or my emotions. 

Where can I feel safe? Tell me that. 

Where am I safe when a quarter of one of the most powerful nations, half of the people who cared enough to vote, consider it just fine that the man they voted for treats women like they aren’t worth anything, they’re just there and convenient and not really full human beings at all who feel pain or humiliation when a man uses them to satisfy his needs, his ego and his selfish greed. 

To millions of people, that means nothing. Because how could they have voted for him if they had any sense of what it means? 

It doesn’t mean all that much to my own family, and I can stay away from them, physically at least, but I can’t stay away from 25% of Americans and the man they trust to lead their country. He will have impact, on the thinking of people, on “diplomacy”, on what’s deemed acceptable in the minds of millions. And given the result in the US, it’s rather likely that it would be not all that different in quite a few other countries as well. People are the same everywhere – and given the opportunity to say so publicly, it seems, they don’t care about women.

And this includes women themselves. There are millions of women who don’t care about themselves or other women, their daughters, sisters, granddaughters. Women voted for a man who doesn’t give a damn about them.

This includes “Christians”, millions of them. I think it’s fair to say, the word does not function as a definition of anything anymore.

I can’t believe all the people who say, “Hillary isn’t perfect either”. No, she damn well isn’t. But you don’t have to be perfect to be better than a man who routinely abuses women. This is no leap of the intellect, it’s fucking well clear as can be.

I do not understand why there are no legal conditions for whoever is permitted to stand for election as president. I don’t understand how he of all people can be allowed at a very basic level to even be listed as a candidate. How the election can be valid given assault and rape allegations.

Maybe this is just what it is – I feel like a victim all over again. And I thought I’d been through this. And moved on from there, as a survivor. Not powerless anymore. 

But here I am, crying and afraid, for the damage that has been done by this. Harassment and discrimination incidents have spiked as much as my anxiety. How many women need to go through this until all women will take a stand? How much damage has to be done for a majority of men to finally stand up for women? 

Hasn’t it been enough already?

Here’s a blog article by someone else who feels triggered by Trump, after experiences of domestic violence.