I did my ‘mindful bodycheck’ after work, and after supper, and I was nearly asleep for most of it and missed quite a few body parts… I assume my knees and ribs are still there, despite this lack of attention…
When my mind wasn’t sleeping, it was elsewhere, processing the day, replaying conversations, re-feeling feelings… I felt jealous today. Doesn’t happen all that often. Happens mostly when I see or even just hear about people newly in love – I want to be happy with them and for them, but there it is. I’m jealous. I do not understand, and find it hard to accept, that love is possible for others, but not for me. For me it seems always out of reach, inexplicably impossible. It hurts to see it happen for others because it hurts that it doesn’t happen for me. Not a “nice” sensation, not “selflessly Christian” maybe, but human, I guess. It creeps up from time to time, and with wintry darkness and cold settling in, I wish (even more than usual) there was someone to share a blanket with.
The other thing I thought about when I was meant to feel my toes or ankles or something, was Liverpool Cathedral. Yes, slight change of theme. The place is special to me, close to my heart, and my prayers. I’d like to see it again.
Tracey Emin – ‘For You’ – 2008 (photo)