Failure – Etc.

I hate making mistakes. I have a boundless fear of failure. It’s like the end of the world when I do something wrong, and it scares the hell out of me. Even more so when my mistakes affect other people. Whenever possible, I take time to prepare for whatever I do – it’s the best way I know not to run into major trouble somewhere down the line, at least not avoidable trouble. It keeps me calm. I hate it when I’m asked to do things unexpectedly and without time to sort my mind/approach. It unsettles me, which makes it more likely that mistakes will happen. I can’t think properly, I end up feeling overwhelmed. And then I find it really hard to forgive myself for the mistakes I made. The “I should have known better” way of thinking. And the “they expected me to be able to do this, and I disappointed them” take on things. It takes quite a bit of time and effort to help myself accept what happened and to let it go, and be at peace again. And until then, I feel like the smallest person in the world. All slightly over-emotional responses maybe, but that’s what happens, that’s how I react. After a while, I might be able to start differentiating what my mistakes were, and which part of it lay in circumstance, other people’s actions and decisions etc. Finding a more balanced view. But that takes time.

So I’m trying to look after myself as well as I can with all this reacting running its course, while trying to deal well with the consequences of whatever happened at the same time. 

Back to the self-care basics. Breathe in, breathe out. 

And that on the day before my holiday starts. Won’t be helping me to “switch off”.

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