I’m a bit in the dumps at the moment. Spending too much time not going out, not writing, not painting, not helping myself. I managed to go out today, though, and it was good. I saw some art, some beauty; I made sure I did. I needed it. I bought myself paintbrushes last week. They’re gathering dust since then. I didn’t go to an art workshop I wanted to attend yesterday; couldn’t get myself out of bed, really. I went out in the evening though, to the pub, with friends and with people I know. I did not much enjoy it. Apart from where we live and work, what do we have in common? I hate small talk, conversations that aren’t really about anything. No point. I need more people around me who I’m close to. There are a few. Not enough. I’m thinking too much about being alone at the moment. About the fact that my closest friend is moving to the other side of the world. And about how impossible it sometimes seems to get close to anyone. I can get along with everyone. With whatever degree of not-being-myself that’s required for that person. There’s just no joy in it, no life. Joy is in being with people I don’t have to adjust to, people I can talk to without censoring myself, people who are happy to be with me. People I can relax and laugh with, or be serious with, people I can pray with, be vulnerable with. There aren’t many of them. And I find it more depressing to be with a lot of people who I can’t really talk to than to be alone. I might laugh and talk. Don’t be fooled. I’m not actually smiling. I’m not happy to be here.
Since this is how I feel at the moment, I need to do something to try and get myself out of the dumps again. It happens from time to time, I know this place from experience, I know it doesn’t last forever. Peace be with me. I’ll try to notice the good in my days, and give more time to prayer. Silence and beauty. Something like that. I can’t console myself; God can, and will.