Fear and Wonder

I’m having a bit of a tough day today; spending time thinking about very personal and rather painful things with my counsellor, and wondering how I will digest it all.

One thing I can do is give thanks for all the good that’s being given to me and that I’m giving to myself, so here’s my little list of cheer:

• I saw “Kooza” at the weekend, the Cirque du Soleil. Wonder and madness in abundance.
• I had some really nice red wine…
• …to go with the amazing beef goulash I cooked myself today. What a treat! It turned out incredibly delicious, if I say so myself. Yum! It’s always a good sign if I cook properly, things that take longer than 15 minutes. I take pleasure in cooking, it’s creative activity – and it leads to pleasure in eating too…
• I also bought myself red and green lentils – probably for the first time? And also: quinoa. Definitely never cooked that before. Looking forward to having more (and most likely healthier) alternatives to pasta… 
• I had pancakes with lots of friends on Tuesday! I hadn’t even planned to go, and went because two friends called me, a) to ask me how I am (I was off sick last week), and b) to tell me they’d be at the pancake supper, and asking me to come so we could meet. I was really touched by that, and  it was good to be there, to see them and everyone, and it was good to watch others be there too. We had a few guests, some of who aren’t around much at the moment, and it felt like a blessing to see them being welcomed with a great deal of joy.
• It’s been really cold, but did you notice the gorgeous sunshine we’ve had? Loved it…
• …and went for a walk in my lunch break to catch some more of it (unfortunately the only green space near work is a cemetery. Never really feel at ease with that…). Saw two green birds. I’ve never seen green birds before, not outside a zoo… I did wonder whether it’s actually possible that these were some kind of parrot…? Apparently there are indeed some of these flying around London parks…
• We had prayers for Ash Wednesday, and this year I wanted to go. I don’t know yet what Lent will be about for me this time – last year, I didn’t want to go anywhere near it. Something’s changed. Waiting to see what Grace has in store for me…bit worried too. Trying to trust that I’ll be okay. 
• And, while the wait makes me nervous, I am really, really happy to have applied for a PhD programme in the last weeks. It feels like an achievement to have done just that, and the thought of it actually going through is very, very exciting. All the excitement and happy nervousness I never really felt about the religious life has appeared in this! Clarity at last? It rather seems so. Fingers crossed! It would be the most incredible year if this works out.

I’m hoping it will stay dry tomorrow (well, today…) so I can go for a long, long walk, to process everything else. Breathe. Let nature calm me down and lift me up a bit… There is a lot to be thankful for, and underneath all the fear that comes with talking about painful things and opening up to change, inward change, there is faith that Grace is blessing every single step I take towards the fullness of life I am hoping for. However uncomfortable it may be, I believe – and know from experience – that truth sets free… It’s not an easy ride though, usually. So I pray. I write. I walk. And I try not to hide.