I wish I had somewhere else to live. Another day when I hear the landlady and her daughter in some argument, yelling and tears and the sound of breaking glass in the kitchen (not thrown by anyone, I think, it probably fell because whoever carried it was upset and distracted…).
This is not my trouble, but it affects me. And I cannot do anything for them – but I have to bear with it. It’s a rare thing that they see each other here without unhappiness.
And I do know about a few things that made my landlady a rather unhappy person, and understandably so. But whatever compassion I might have for the hardships of her life doesn’t help me to bear this atmosphere. I’m what some call now an “HSP” (“Highly Sensitive Person”), or an INFJ – that includes this sensitivity too. I pick up all the emotions of the people around me, and there’s nothing I can do to stop that. I try my best to balance this, and to stay aware of what is my ‘stuff’ and what is theirs. But I have to live with it while I’m here.
And while it would be easier in this respect to live alone, I do need company, just like everyone else does. But I do not need judgmental, harsh and bitter people around me all the time, unhappy and depressed people. We are all unhappy and depressed at times. I know that. But usually there is a balance with kindness, affection, laughter, enjoyment.
And then that’s okay. Such is life. Sorrow and joy.
But here – there is no sense of enjoyment. No search for what would make for a better life. Survival maybe, rest to ensure functioning. But no rest for happiness.
Maybe this doesn’t make much sense just now to those who don’t know this kind of living situation themselves. That’s fine. I just needed to write about it to process what I hear and feel.
And now I listen to “Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone”, read by Stephen Fry. Escape. And I search for images of art to do with Harry Potter that may inspire me creatively. Balance. My version of it.
(Oh, and for those who say, ‘why don’t you just move?’ – Yes, that solution has occurred to me. I’m doing my best to find a better place.)