Freedom means choosing your burden (H. Menuhin).
There are two ways to live with the ‘burdens’ that I have in my life.
I can fight them, or befriend them. In fighting, I make myself prisoner of what I cannot change.
Single-dom has been a fact of my life for 95% of the time. The few times it wasn’t, it would have been better if it had been.
It took me a lot of time to know that this hasn’t anything to do with my not being loveable. I am.
It hasn’t anything to do with me isolating myself. I meet new people all the time, I am part of a Community, I go out, I have a social life.
And I have friendships that are deep and meaningful.
I’ve tried to accept that my life is like this; it’s just ‘not meant to be’. And I find that, in the long run, I can’t live with that idea. And I can’t live with the idea of a good God forcing so many of his/her people into being alone.
So this alone-ness is a burden in my life. It got me down a lot as a teenager, maybe less so now. It still hurts. It’s still hard at times.
And I think this is the burden in my life.
I have to carry it; this I cannot change.
But how do I carry it?
Would it make a difference if I actively chose this burden? Would it make a difference if I stopped running away from this, turned around and named my alone-ness, befriended the reality of it – both its freedom and its suffering? Can I choose this burden and by making this choice, change the dynamics?
Stop being the victim of some sort of circumstance. Welcome this as part of my story.
Yes, it would be a relief not to have to ‘play the game’ anymore. To drop the thought, drop the ifs and buts with everyone, drop the burden of trying to change it.
Accept the pain. Accept the alone-ness.
Choose it and respond to it creatively, work with it, follow its lead.
This is not something I chose to begin with. But who is to say I cannot choose it now?